Faux Tan Lines For A Week of Winter Kink

It all started this past summer when it was brought to my attention that some lovers find tan lines to be very sexy. As the winter months came to a bore, I started to reminisce about these kinky tan line talks… flash back to the first time I went to a topless beach in Greece and noticed the small white triangles on some women’s breasts from suiting up days before… or the secrecy of after beach showers and forbidden white patches of sun free skin.

My mind wandered to images of Bo Derek running wet out of the ocean, or the trashy but fab tits girls gone wild flaunt all over spring break. All of a sudden I was fully convinced and lusting after a tropical vacation to spice things up with my lover so I could earn my white stripes and enjoy a few days of peek-a-boo foreplay.

But as a lover of pale skin and the owner of genes that refuse to tan, I was confused as to how I could bring tan lines to my suitor. Not that I don’t love the beach and the warm crisp of sunshine on my backside… its just – for one, I do not like to be tan. For two, I do not like to get wrinkles. And for three I cannot be asked to lie like a hot dog in the sun for hours to procure such provocative marks. But I was determined to figure out a way to surprise my mate with these pale markings of a sun-soaked beauty… and to document it. So here you go:

Illustration by Kit Scarbo

Supplies: Spa time, inexpensive triangle bikini, double stick tape, spray tan, sense of humor.

Working in TV, you can imagine it took less than five minutes of conversation for my co-workers to hint that I could utilize spray tan to achieve my goal. This is L.A. after all… Now since I don’t normally spray tan I didn’t want a generic experience. I wanted to feel pampered and sexy, fully knowing that this was a gift for both – not just your everyday fare. I was told to make an appointment at the Four Seasons Beverly Hills to get personally spray tanned ($100 bucks for spray tan and spa usage).

It was great to treat myself to a little sauna and relaxation. White robed, soft pawing around in slippers drinking spa water while I was waiting for my appointment, I started fantasizing to which continent I would take my partner on my fantasy staycation… I mean is this a topless beach? Would my whole chest be tan? Or would I be lying under a palm tree with the straps undone around my neck and just the little triangles covering? Would I make margaritas, caipirinhas or pina coladas to go with the reveal? Nah – definitely not pina coladas. Oooh… maybe mai tais!

That’s where the relaxation ended and the real work began.

Surprising the tanner with a bikini on and requesting her to double stick tape the triangles of the bikini onto my breasts in perfect symmetry while bringing in the side for a little side boob tan was a delicate conversation. Moving around, holding this, spraying that, crouching here and bending there felt like a mating ritual in itself. As the layers of tan were applied I started to get nervous. Holy shit this is dark. I peeled back the side bottom of the bikini and the line was crisp… too faux. Need faux real. So we used a sponge to soften the line from tan to pale while the spray was still wet on my skin. Purrrrfect.

7 hours and a shower later, I nervously toweled off to see what I had created, and one eye at a time opened to look in the mirror if the plan had worked or if I would have to suffer the tan for a week of bedroom mockery.

But alas it appeared the idea was good. Real good. Semi-permanent lingerie. I snapped a few shots just for safekeeping and looked up the recipe for the perfect caipirinha. I was going to Brazil!

The reveal turned out to be a more than pleasant surprise to my partner and the day to day routine following became not so regular, but sexier – both knowing what was hiding under my winter jacket. Sure, it’s more of a commitment than real silk stockings and a garter all night but after all, there is nothing sexier than a bold and confident statement honoring the intrigues of one’s lover.

L’Agent Goodies…