A Guide for Straight Girls Who Want to Have Lesbian Sex

Hello ladies. If you’re reading this, I assume you might be a straight or bi-curious woman who is interested in fucking some females. If you are not a straight or bi-curious woman, you’re welcome here as well, perhaps you will learn something stimulating.

I read an article in Cosmo about this “recent trend” of straight girls wanting to sleep with other women on the DL and yet still retain their mostly hetero existences, i.e. having a boyfriend/husband/dating dudes or being single and dabbling and never telling anyone about these flings.

This is problematic on two levels: 1) it’s not a recent trend, like at all; and 2) it hints at an insidious form of having one’s proverbial lesbian cake and eating it too. Which is acceptable only you approach this sacred sex with the respect it deserves, and full honesty to all parties involved, including yourself and ideally your broader circles. Lesbians and bisexual women are not playthings, or fetishes, nor are we fun experiments to try on and then ditch when a more socially-acceptable penis-sporting human comes along. Lesbians and bi girls are people with feelings and learned wariness around straight chicks with questionable intentions. If you want to do this right, you need to get on a goddess level with us – as two women whose intention is to access a beautiful, sexual, powerful divinity together, and an experience that should bear as much dignity, or more, as anything you’d have with a guy.

Unlike some unenlightened lesbians who think they can “turn” a girl (groaaaannnnnn), I know from plenty of personal experience, and from basic logic, that it is quite literally impossible to change a person’s sexual orientation. If a girl starts out saying she’s bi then later decides she’s actually gay or actually straight, or decides never to subscribe to any label at all, that is her choice of self-identification based on her innate and instinctual biological attractions, and no one – no one – not a cocky lesbian nor a Christian conversion therapist, can flip a chick to a side of the spectrum where she does not naturally reside. Period. Full stop. I have no hidden thoughts that you are actually gay and just on your path to Oz; some of you legit just want to see what this is like, understand your bodies and desires better, and explore your unexamined attractions.

So I am not discouraging this exploration, quite to the contrary, I highly encourage all women of all sexualities to give lesbian sex a spin, mainly because I’m on a lifelong quest to ensure that all the women have all the orgasms – an element that is woefully lacking in oh so many encounters with men. And I’m only one person so there’s only so much I can personally contribute to the cause, thus I will have to take this mission to an educational sphere. Here’s my advice to you:

1) Be straight up about your straightness

Or bisexuality, or fluid sexuality, or in-between sexuality or non-binary attraction or whatever your personal preferences are. You have to tell the other woman, regardless of her sexuality. Honesty really is a crucial step in this, especially if you are sexually into girls but heteroromantic (meaning you only fall for guys), because the lesbian on the other end of the adventure needs to know in advance that she cannot fall for you and knows full well what she is getting herself into. And if it’s another inexperienced girl, then telling the truth will put you both in a much more comfortable space when it comes to figuring out what you are doing, asking for what you want, creating boundaries, and so on.

2)Do not have any expectations

Along with being the cornerstone to most philosophical musings on relationships and love, having no expectations is a solid way to approach your first lesbian foray. Some of you may come out of the experience saying “Holy shit, I think I love women” or, “I think I love just this ONE woman,” or, “I love men but wow am I attracted to women,” or, “That was great but I’m not as into women as I thought I was before.” The point of having no expectations is not to assume you’ll be disappointed (having a negative expectation is still an expectation), but rather to give yourself the freedom to be open to any outcome that feels the best for you.

3) Understand that if you hide these lady dalliances from your male partner or society at large, you may experience some pushback

This is the part of the whole thing that I find the most unsettling. The part where women who are in straight relationships with guys and thus receive all the lovely benefits of being hetero in the world (family acceptance, faith acceptance, marriage equality, workplace equality, adoption equality, not having people scream in your face that you’re a dirty sinner going to burn in hell, etc.) yet at the same time get to have this secret double life of hot and amazing lesbian sex which is kept totally under wraps and out of the judgmental eye of society.

If you compare your seamless situation to a girl who came out to her fundamentalist Baptist parents and was condemned by her family and rejected from her circle of friends and forced to live as an outcast while she picked up the pieces of her life, it doesn’t seem quite fair that you are enjoying all the fun of lesbianism and none of the pain. Right?

If you really want to sleep with women, cheating is never the right answer. Instead, have an open dialogue with your boyfriend or husband; have the courage to express your needs and see if an open relationship is something he would consider, and if he doesn’t, then break up with him and explore on your own. Or if you’re single and hiding it, consider telling some close friends, and approach your female lovers with an immense respect for what they went through in order to even be discoverable by you in the first place.

To be clear, I’m not pushing you to stamp a rainbow sticker on your forehead, or come out to everyone you know before you even know who you are; every person has her process and no one’s self-discovery should ever be forced.  But if you already know deep in your heart that you are essentially straight, please acknowledge the privilege you enjoy as a straight woman and honor the lesbians for their courage to be themselves in a not-so-accepting world.

4) If you are doing this exploration with the open acknowledgment of a man, make absolutely sure that he respects it as much as you do

So many men have told me over the years something to the effect of, “Oh I totally wouldn’t care if my girl cheated on me with a girl, that’s hot. But if she cheated with another guy I’d dump her / beat him up / freak out.”

This is such a damaging mindset for a number of reasons. It presumes that lesbian sex is somehow inferior to hetero sex (it’s not), it presumes that women are less threatening to a monogamous relationship than are men (they’re not), and it presumes, on a deeply fragile male ego level, that another woman couldn’t possibly be capable of giving a girl the same degree of pleasure, satisfaction, and love that a man can (which is clearly false).

Be wary if you ask your guy if it’s okay for you to hook up with girls and he gives a douchey response like the above. I know, I know, that there are literally thousands of straight couples trolling Tinder and OkCupid using the woman as bait to snag a “unicorn” for a threesome, but to be honest I don’t have any respect for those couples at all. It’s obnoxious to lesbians, treats women as a live sex toy, and is just another way of girls disguising their desires for women in a playing-it-safe “straight” context. I have no issue with threesomes, I have no issue with non-monogamy, but what I take issue with is this women who hide in the safety of their boyfriends so much so that they’re afraid to even explore their own desires without his presence. Start with threesomes if you feel better there, but be brave, ladies! But be honest with yourselves about why you want the threesome in the first place, and entertain the possibility that you can do this on your own.

5) Don’t get too fucked up

I know that when you’re in a scary and new situation, i.e. your first female sexual experience, that the inclination is to down some liquor in order to lose enough inhibition to go through with it. However, my caution to that is—if you do need to get that wasted to do it, perhaps you’re not ready or doing it for the wrong reasons, and if you do get that wasted, there’s a high chance you won’t remember anything and then what was the point of all of that in the first place? When two women have sex, like I said, there is an opportunity for something divine and powerful to take place, but this ascendance will not happen if you’re drowned in the dark spirits of booze or drugs. Sure, have a couple glasses of wine, a tumbler of whiskey, something very moderate. But certainly do not get so drunk that you can no longer be considered consenting, or that you get sick, or black out. That is not the objective, which is to learn more about yourself and what you want, and to be respectful of yourself and your partner. In order for this to happen, you must remain in a state of conscious presence, and you cannot be present when your brain is altered by substances.

6) Give back

One thing I’ve noticed about sleeping with straight girls is that often they are so scared to do anything reciprocal that they just lay there and expect me to do all the work. Which, can be fun I suppose, but it’s really only half-fun when considering the wide range of possibilities we could explore together. I know it’s scary, I was in your shoes once, but if you dive right in, so to speak, you may find that you really enjoy certain sexual arenas you never considered before. Of course, operate only within your comfort zone, but do not go in with the expectation that all lesbians are tops and that you’re just here for the oil change and service. Only be a pillow princess if that is what your lady lover wants, otherwise participate! Give back! Reciprocity, versatility, spontaneity. Philanthropy is sexy.

Besides, there is nothing on earth more satisfying and divine than making a woman come.

7) Banish the “I like dick too much” narrative

I can’t count how many times I’ve heard a straight girl say, “I’d totally fuck/date women, but I just love dick too much.” Girl, this is such a non sequitur of an answer. First of all, there are many ways to penetrate women aside from penises. And strap-ons are cool and whatever but certainly don’t have to be a main event, or even involved at all. Secondly, did it occur to you that when you say “I like dick” you are reducing a very real human male down to ONE appendage of his body? No wonder guys have so much anxiety about their dicks, they seem to be the sole determiner of their worth and value as men. What about – I don’t know – their square jaws, and man arms, and body hair, and whatever else you girls like about men? What about all the things that make them men? So before you default to that answer, think about it. Think about what it is you actually like about men and what it is that you are curious to discover about women.

Consider the possibility of a human being with soft skin and lips, and long hair, and who smells sweet and enticing, fucking you, just as hard, just as capably, perhaps even more expertly, but with her hands. Would you still give that answer? Be attracted to whoever your body wants, be attracted to all genders, but don’t reduce people to their anatomy.

Women can fuck other women. And yes I used that word because that word is the only one that works in that context. If you don’t know what I mean by this, read my article about lesbian sex – after you’re done with this one :).

8) Have fucking fun (or fun fucking)

I know some of these other items have been on the more serious side of things, but lez we not forget, you are in this situation because you’re interested in having some mind-blowing highly orgasmic lesbian sex. So please, enjoy yourself. Enjoy her. Enjoy life! And pleasure. And learn something about your body and what you like. Chances are, you’ll *come* back for more.

It’s All Gucci…