Do I actually think my fiancée is a dirty little whore who deserves to be punished for not bringing me breakfast in bed? No. I think she’s one of the most brilliant and beautiful human beings I’ve ever met, a proud and powerful independent female who deserves to be wined and dined, loved and lavished upon, catered to, spoiled, and worshiped just for putting up with my shit.
But does she like to be called a dirty little whore from time-to-time? And does she enjoy being “punished” for doing or not doing some silly little task I’ve made up on the spot? She does. She seems to really like it, to tell you the truth.
Do I feel bad about calling her a dirty little whore? And does it feel weird to order her to bend over and stick her ass in the air? It does – or I should say, it took some getting used to. Because, for one, I was raised to treat all humans with dignity and respect, and, for two, three, four, and five, she’s my wife-to-be, the future mother of our future children, a person I deeply admire and adore, and a stone-cold badass businesswoman who could have me killed if she wanted to.
Telling her to get on her knees and open her mouth felt awkward at first—I’d tug her hair lightly, and profusely apologize if she so much as winced—but at the same time, it felt, well… liberating, fun, and incredibly sexy. She was living out her fantasies and allowing me to explore mine. We were showcasing hidden desires, and, in doing so, opening up sides of ourselves that we’d never felt able to explore with another person.
Which leads us to you, the reader who has opened this article and read this far.
You are, apparently, interested in one or all of the following: love, sex, and/or doing and saying “filthy” things to and with the person you’re sleeping with. Terrific. I’m by no means a psychologist, sexologist, marriage and family therapist, or relationship counselor—I’m just a guy who loves his partner and wants to do right by her—but here are a few things I’ve learned, over the past few months, about the interplay of love, sex, and talking dirty.
“Filthy” is subjective
This may seem obvious to some and ludicrous to others, but in my opinion there isn’t a sex act on earth that can be classified as “filthy,” so long as it’s between consenting human adults (i.e. those with autonomy). Two girls one cup, one man one jar, you name it.
One person’s kink is another person’s norm and no one should be vilified or derided for getting off in a way you find abnormal or even disgusting. People are weird. You’re probably weird too.
It’s difficult to share your fantasies—it takes a certain amount of trust and makes you vulnerable—so judge not lest ye be judged.
Now, with that being said, pressuring someone to engage in an act they’re not comfortable with is akin to rape and all rapists should have their genitals branded with a hot iron. Sex should be enjoyable, first and foremost, so if you’re not enjoying sex with the one you’re with, figure out why and immediately rectify the issue. There’s fun to be had.
Fucking can be romantic
There’s a widespread belief that certain types of sex correspond to certain types of relationships. “The best-sex-you’ve-ever-had guy is in jail,” according to Amy Schumer’s sister in Trainwreck. And according to Robert DeNiro, in the role of Mob boss Paul Vitti, there’s certain things you can do with your mistress that you can’t do with your wife. “That’s the mouth she kisses my kids goodnight with! What are you, crazy?”
You’re not supposed to fuck the one you love, apparently, and you definitely shouldn’t pull her hair while you ride her from behind and scream, “I love you, you sexy bitch.” But I’m not sure why – in my experience, fucking can be as romantic as candlelit Bon-Iver-in-the-background love-making.
It makes you vulnerable—living out fantasies or crossing lines you never crossed before makes you vulnerable to ridicule and shame—but that vulnerability can bring you closer together, as it’s often an act of trust, and being close, in my opinion, is the definition of romantic.
If you love each other, you create a world
My wife-to-be wouldn’t allow me to tie her to the bed if she didn’t trust me. If I was a domineering, chauvinistic piece-of-shit in our day-to-day lives, she wouldn’t give me the time of day and definitely wouldn’t have agreed to marry me. Our love games are the product of a deep mutual respect and love for one another, and that love and respect is based on trust.
These tenets—love, respect, and trust—are at the core of our every action, including the “degrading” sex we sometimes have. But if I disrespected her outside of the bedroom, in any way, that trust would be fractured—I’d lose her respect, all respect for myself, and I’d be relegated to sleeping on the couch until we sorted through our issues and repaired what had been jeopardized.
Breaking that trust is not an option. It’s not what either of us wants and is not part of the pact we’ve made to each other. We’ve chosen to base our relationship on honesty and openness, and we don’t need or want to go behind each other’s backs because we’ve created a world in which we’re allowed to be ourselves—all sides of our selves—without judgment.
In this world, we’re permitted to push into any and every space that tickles our fancies. She’s my lover, my future wife, my mistress, and my whore. I am the same to her—her fireman, if she wants me to be, or her domineering sadomasochist.
Our world expands every day. There are times when we fumble around like teenagers, and times when we simply hold each other and “make love” by talking and kissing. Every moment of our relationship is fluid, with each of us bringing to the bedroom our own conception of what we want and don’t want, what we’ll try and not try, what we enjoy and don’t feel like doing or hearing at that moment.
To that end, calling any woman a “slut” or “whore” can obviously be triggering, as those words have been used by both men and women to condemn and control women’s sexual autonomy for centuries. So keep your trap shut if you think your words or actions will do more harm than good—there’s no better way to kill a love fest than to cross a line you weren’t invited to cross—or try talking dirty in a more creative way, by describing one of your fantasies in detail.
If you don’t know how to broach the subject of dirty talk or fantasies, try it when you’re both fully clothed and in a comfortable place, like, for example, in separate places, on the phone, where she or he can hang up on you if they feel uncomfortable.
Respect is earned by being respectful. Openness is earned by being open. Talk. Listen. Most men and women like to have sex. We just need to know we can trust each other if we’re going to make ourselves vulnerable.