For the straight folks of the world, Tinder is the drunk hookup of dating apps – casual, spontaneous, and shallow, but to lesbians, it is a god damn mecca of available women that were heretofore invisible. Think about it this way: men hit on women in all manner of random public spaces from grocery stores to parks to the line at the DMV (which I didn’t think could get more excruciating but I was wrong), and it is seen as totally and perfectly acceptable for the man doing the hitting on to assume that we are a) single and b) straight. Well I am neither, but a year and a half ago when I was single and looking for feminine lesbians or bi girls, I didn’t exactly feel comfortable acting like a guy and approaching random girls in the mall. I suppose I could have been bolder, but statistical odds suggest that I’d likely be chatting up a straight chick, and though I commend men for their insistence to keep trying and striking out, I wasn’t socialized since puberty to be the “hunter” so to speak – plus as a girl who has gotten approached ad nauseum in public spaces for years, I didn’t want to add to the annoyance. To gay men and lesbians, the world can often seem like an overly heteronormative mire of sexual mystery; dating apps lift the veil and put an enormous array of available homos right there for your swiping pleasure. Sure, Tinder can still be as casual as you want to make it, but for lesbians it’s a high-stakes game that may just result in your next big relationship (it certainly did for me). But before I found the gorgeous, exceptional lady I am lucky enough to call my girlfriend, I had to wade through a lot of women, and after awhile I started to notice some pretty persistent patterns in the pool. Without further ado, I bring you the ten lesbian archetypes of Tinder.
1. The Testbian
This girl is generally smoking hot and over 5’7″… basically looks like she could have fallen out of a Versace catalogue. The only problem is that she’s never had a lesbian relationship before and has not yet crossed over into the actually-willing-to-date-a-real-woman phase of her coming out story. My friend is currently dealing with a girl like this. This girl is sexy, apparently great in bed, but disappears frequently and has a lot of photos of what appear to be ex boyfriends all over her Instagram. Granted, these girls can, and do, make the switch, so to speak, but it’s definitely a slippery slope and might be more pain than gain. I am not saying anything general about bisexual girls, by the way. We all have been in this position of being unsure and scared to tell the world about our homogayness. It’s just not always fun to be on the other side.
2. The “I’m using my hot friend(s) as click bait” Lesbian
This is the girl whose main photo is a gaggle of women, none of whom you can determine is the actual profile holder. The typical way that this scenario pans out is that you click through a couple more group photos and then realize that she’s the less-than-attractive one of her friends. Sigh.
3. The “I am definitely not the age that I claim to be” Lesbian
These women all seem to say that they’re 28…yet they appear to be closer to 55. Listen, being older is nothing shameful, but let’s stop lying about our ages, yes? I’d be much more game to match with a sexy forty-something who is truthful than a woman who is clearly pretending to be 20 years her junior.
4. The “Mildly terrifying girl who looks like she might use you in a satanic ritual” Lesbian
You can usually recognize this type by the proliferation of photos of her a) engulfing fire, b) having no discernible skin underneath all the tattoos, or c) writing something akin to “I practice pagan sacrifices” and so forth. I am all about self-expression, but this just isn’t my type. Clearly it is a winning type though, since I see about five of these girls per twenty swipes, on average.
5. The “I’m a straight man who’s pretending to be a woman in order to hit on lesbians on Tinder” Lesbian
“Why do any men appear on my Tinder at all?” I wonder to myself as I repeatedly select the “Show Me Only Women” option. I got curious about this particular phenomenon and matched with a guy. I then messaged him, “Hi, I’m a lesbian, so I’m wondering how or why Tinder is showing you to me as a potential match. Did you mark on Facebook that you are a woman who likes women? Why does this happen?”
His response: “Wow, I don’t know. How weird. By the way, are you bisexual? 😉 Have you ever tried dick before?”
Well, now at least I have an answer. I thought straight men had already hit their lowest low, but they continue to surprise me. I should have really learned this lesson during the brief and eye-opening era of Chatroulette. NEXT.
6. The “How could you possibly think that this was a good idea to use as your lead picture” Lesbian
I saw a photo in which a woman’s entire nipple is hanging out of her bra. I am sure that there is a demographic that likes this approach. But my goodness, I think I’ve had my fill, thanks. This also applies to selfies where the girl’s cellphone covers 3/4 of her face, photos that are borderline porn, people upside-down, zoomed in on one eyeball, and making some obscene hand gesture or facial expression.
7. The “None of my pictures are of myself except this half-blurred one…the rest are pieces of art or animals or random objects” Lesbian
So your lead picture is a car. Cool. Are you trying to be auto-erotic? (pun fully intended) Listen, this site is intended for one thing and one thing only: whether or not people think that other people fit into their attractiveness quota. Do not show me solo photos of your dog or your vehicle or your flower arrangement. This tells me nothing except that maybe you’re too ashamed to post your own face. Which brings us back to square one.
8. The “We are a really open-minded heterosexual couple and I’m on here because my boyfriend wants me to troll for women to be our erotic third” “Lesbian”
This girl is not a lesbian. She’s looking for a threesome. Clearly there’s a market for this, as these women have become frighteningly ubiquitous on lesbian dating sites. My advice to them is: actual lesbians don’t fuck men. People these days…
9. The “I may or may not work at Hooters and/or a strip club and my gigantic, fake breasts are the centerpiece of every photo” Lesbian
I have a hard time figuring out if these girls are actually gay or not. My guess is a firm NO, but my feminist side insists that yes, some lesbians can fit this particular mold (pun intended again) and still love ladies. And I guess some lesbians…like this look? Lesbians who are actually straight men stuck in the 90s perhaps? In any case, not me.
10. The “I’m your ex-girlfriend and I’m on here solely to torment you” Lesbian
Keep in mind that I’m being tongue-in-cheek here, as I have been with this whole list. I realize that my ex is not on Tinder intentionally to hurt me, and she is in fact a very kind person. But wouldn’t it be great if social media didn’t throw breakups in our faces constantly? Also, I don’t need to be reminded how much more beautiful she is than the collective masses every time I swipe around.
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