Sometimes we just lose our shit. It’s not only understandable, it’s almost expected. These episodes roll in like storms off the coast, the Santa Ana’s from San Gabriels. And for brief spouts of time it’s like being a human is the hardest thing anyone has ever done. When this happens to me I usually call my mother. She has been reading my star charts all my life. And I have no doubt about the intense influence the planets can have over us. But this, this feels different than anything else I have ever gone to battle with.
I started writing this piece a few months ago as the ground beneath me had only begun to quake. And I am now rewriting, right now, because I truly had no idea what was in store. I was feeling the early tremors of insecurity, I started to question the foundations of my life. I became increasingly uneasy. I said things like, this isn’t a break up or a tattoo away from being fixed, and I was right, but also wrong. Because those things would prove true and oh so much more. Thirty is on my horizon, in fact it is a little more than a year form where I sit today. I am smack in the hunting ground of my Saturn Return. If this phrase is news to you, let’s take a moment and lay down some astrology lingo so we are all on the same page.
Your Saturn Return takes place, to be exact at, 29.5 years of age, with a ripple effect ahead and behind it. At that moment in time, Saturn the planet of cataclysmic change and reckoning, has traveled for the first time back to the spot in which it sat the moment you were born. What this means is everything about you will be tested. Saturn is the instigator of change and will pit you against your deepest fears. The very nature of the planetary alignment will cause mini earthquakes to the foundation of everything you think you are. It is the first time we are truly faced with our mortality and are forced to take stock in what we’ve become throughout our twenties. It’s rough. I mean, it really sucks. But the good news is everyone needs a little tough love, and although it’s wildly uncomfortable to examine yourself in such a way, it is vital. This will force you for better or worse to clean the skeletons out of your closet, to quit the job you hate, to leave the relationship that sucks the life out of you and find a truer version of you.
Okay, that’s all groovy and all to say out loud. And it’s an easy thing to talk about and to even identify in your life and in those around you. But it is a tall order for any patient person to go through a time like this. And nothing, if you’re like me, will really truly be able to calm you down. And, that’s okay. You can go to yoga and repeat mantras. You can travel to South America. You can call your mother. But in the end the only thing that will pull you from this place, is you. I think this is what I am learning above all else right now is that allowing yourself to totally loose your shit, to kick and scream, to cry in the middle of the grocery store, is not only okay but it is essential to the process. We so often time judge ourselves for extreme emotion or seemingly irrational behavior. But we shouldn’t. It is just as authentic as that blissful happiness you had and now want back, sometimes even more so. There is grace in this. And if you do not let it out there is no growth. This is the biggest danger of all. Stifling these changes will only twist and gnarl you into a person you will not be. So, my advice, and this is coming from someone who needs it themselves, is to sit with it and make peace with your confusion and anger and frustration. To lie down in the river of change and take some sliver of comfort in the idea that shit does not work out, and that too is okay. Take a walk around the block, drink a kombucha, have a martini, listen to your favorite song. There are simple pleasures in life and those will carry you through. Because what other choice do you have? That’s right, you don’t.