Love Me Tender (Relationships for Dummies)

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So… I have a boyfriend. But I detest the title. I usually use the word lover, but Joey is more than that.

He’s definitely more than just a close friend, ask my vagina.

Being that Joel somehow managed to capture my cold heart and ignite a warm, shining light that glows right out of me, I now find myself in a monogamous thing for the first time in pretty much 6 years. And let me tell you, in just a few months I’ve learned a hell of a lot about myself.

Relationships are hard. And draining. And confusing, oh my god are they confusing. And they’re frightening, and awkward and nerve-wracking. And it turns out that I’m soft and a bit of a baby.

But because I’ve been able to analyze the ins and outs of my partnership (mostly because I have so much time on my hands to spend thinking about it), and I’ve talked about my experience to other women and compared it with their relationships. I’ve realized that there are just a few basic things that every woman needs to be content.

I have to add a random disclaimer, because (and I hate to admit this) there are also tons of nasty females out there that have the sole purpose of making a man’s life hell. This article and these tips do not apply to them. I’ve met a lot of them, and I’ve paid witness to it throughout my lifetime. Those women are gross. They give other women a bad name, they make me sad and angry at the same time, and they personally offend me with their manipulative and egotistical ways.

You know the women I’m talking about. These are the compulsive “Where are you. Who are you with??” text girls. The phone snoopers. The ones that get mad when their guy has a night out with the boys, or a day out with the boys, or anything not involving them. The princesses that expect their man to do and pay for it all.

They’re the ones that call men assholes. Men are not assholes, they’re men. If they treat you in a way that you don’t like, leave! It’s that simple. YOU are the one in charge of you. If he left you, he wasn’t the one for you. That doesn’t make him a bastard.

That being said, we all have our off days and act irrationally, but here are some of the things I’ve discovered that ensure all is calm and peaceful in the love nest. Men, take note. It’s just these simple things you ought to do, and your babe will be like putty in your hands.

1. If you wake up together, before you start your day, kiss her on her face and head – It’s not sexual, it’s intimacy. Nothing feels better than waking up to your guy and seeing the love in his eyes, even though you stink and look like a monster.

2. Shower together. Maybe not every single time, and maybe not for the entire duration of the shower, but the way my guy holds me and looks at me as I am doused in hot water and soap is everything. It’s a really special way we connect. We touch each other’s faces. We scrub each other’s backs. We make out. We fuck. Water is cleansing and soothing and frankly, it’s romantic. Try it often (and I highly recommend it as a pre-curser to eating each other’s butts – more on that in an article to come).

3. Touch her a lot. Hopefully I don’t need to tell you this. Your GF is a megababe with a brilliant mind and fantastic outlook on life, so you shouldn’t want to STOP touching her. But if you’ve forgotten how cool she is, and you aren’t caressing her arm when she’s sat next to you at the restaurant, or lifting her hair away from her neck as you stand beside her, watching her talk to friends at a bar, then get it together man. This little frequent gesture is like receiving a dozen roses every damn day. Trust me, she’ll appreciate it to no end. This cute & non-sexual sign of affection goes a really long way.

4. If she does something cute, says something funny, looks pretty or fit or sexy, TELL HER. Don’t just think it, say it out loud. As above, hearing that you’re noticing her or thinking of her can literally make her entire day. It always makes mine.

4.5. As per point 4, if you think of her during the day or night and you’re apart from each other, text her. Don’t be the guy that just responds. Write her and remind her how you feel now and then. It doesn’t have to be intense or poetic. If might just be as simple as a kiss emoji text. But you’ll make her smile, it’s that easy.

5. Listen to her. Support her. Assure her that everything will be okay. If she’s emotional and feeling sad, hold her. Don’t dismiss her behaviour as ‘girly’, and don’t just pat her on the head and walk away. Be an emotionally intelligent person. Comfort her. She doesn’t need fixing, she needs affection or compassion or empathy. Read her signals, or if she’s like me (stubborn & independant), it might be harder for her to ask, so just do it anyway. Noone will turn down a sincere, warm hug.

5.5 Take full accountability for your own emotions and feelings. It’s not your girl’s job to make you happy, and she CANNOT make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own contentment, and through that, your contentment and happiness will overflow over into your relationship and your love.

6. If you go to the fridge for a glass of whatever, get her one too (or at least ask). If you feel like eating a piece of chocolate, get her a piece too (she will never say no).

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7. When you make sweet love (and this should be a regular occurance, otherwise you’re basically friends with occasional benefits), if she does something wild or amazing, or her body feels great/soft/tight whatever, tell her. You can tell her afterwards too. In fact, it’s better afterwards. “I love your big, amazing breasts bouncing away in my face when you’re on top of me. You’re so fucking sexy.” Big 10/10 for that stuff.

8. Bring a gift home for her. It could be a $2 Hello Kitty lighter for all she cares. If you walk through the door saying “I got you something”, no matter what, you’re in for a fun-filled time after that. It’s not hard to pick something up once a week or so. Like I said, it doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, just A gesture is enough.

9. If you buy her flowers, which I also strongly recommend (and never when you’ve done something wrong, or at least, not only if you’ve done something wrong), make them good flowers. My ex used to get clippings from other people’s gardens on the way home and would arrive to me with a huge bouquet of fresh, random cuts of all descriptions. Huge green leaves, bougainvillea clippings, lavender, small, thorny roses. The whole spectrum. But he chose every one of them. That made them so special. If you don’t have that ability, a florist will do the trick. And extra points for a flower with a beautiful, fresh fragrance like gardenias or tuberose. Just don’t get gas station flowers. They’re corny as hell.

10. Last but not least, don’t be squeamish. Be a goddamn man. I’m talking about periods, tampons, poop, varicose veins, a hairy bush, stretch marks, grey hair, snot, bad breath… all of it. The sexiest, most attractive thing a man can be is confident and sensitive. Despite the fact that some men assume women are unicorn goddesses with no fart-hole, the truth is, women are made of the same matter that you are. Whilst you have a hair-filled butt-hole, skid marks and pimples to contend with, we too have bodily functions. Our vagina’s grow hair. Our ovaries release eggs, and therefore menstrual blood. We sweat. Admire the beauty that is the human body, and acknowledge the pleasure it is capable of giving (you). Any man that recoils at the sound of a queef, or turns his nose up when it’s that time of the month, literally BYE.

The moral of this article is this: treat your lover as you yourself desire to be treated. Not in the simplest form, in the ultimate form. It’s not uncool to be seen as a loving boyfriend, it’s smart. If you want to be tended to, tend to her. If you want a neck rub, massage hers. A blow job in the morning? Give her one. If you like to be given compliments and kisses and presents, do it for her. Because women are nurturers. And likely, the more you do these things for her, you will get it back a thousand fold. And there’s nothing uncool about that.

P.S. It should go without saying, but it also helps if you’re a master at eating pussy, and giving orgasms in general. You make a girl cum right, she’ll do anything you like. If you need some assistance, NOONE teaches the art of good head like Nina Hartley.

You are very welcome.

L’Agent Goodies…