Wrong Hole (And Other Stories Of Bad Sex)

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Sometimes, sexual intercourse is an awkward and terrifying experience.

Trust me, between the arched backs, twitching genitals and joyful explosions of bodily fluid there have been plenty of poopy penises and pussy farts.

Not to mention those awkward moments when your companion is jackhammering away at you, oblivious to your feelings of which you, at that point, have none left.

I feel like I’ve been pretty lucky though. There have been no snapped penises, or lost objects to speak of. Well, not that I  know of.

I mean, there have been guys that took me home and led me into their disgusting, messy bedrooms, ripped off all their clothes like their life depended on it, pushed my panties to one side (they didn’t even undress me – so much for all the money spent on Beyonce dance classes & Bikram yoga) and shoved their penis into my scared, little vagina. No foreplay, no kissing, no whispering…not even a sexy little hand or pussy-spit.

More than once, I’ve had guys ‘accidentally’ go from pounding my vagina straight to my butthole without any warning, and if I can take a minute to try to articulate how not just extremely painful, but UNSEXY this is… in a nutshell, DO NOT FUCKING EVER DO THAT TO ANYONE. Surprise anal is a sure-fire way to never having sex with that person again.

I once had a guy (he was over thirty) call me mommy (over & over again) just before he came. Yes, he also suckled on my nipples like a oversized, bearded baby.

I had an incident with a handsome frenchman. Between my flimsy silk dress and his nipple ring, the evening was almost ended in a violent episode. Thank god we were on mushrooms…

For me, my major pet peeve is the poking around a dry pussy with dry fingers and an off-point clitoris attack. I can deal with period blood, a hairy butt-hole, accidentals farts, most things really, but get me wet first.

I put the questions out there to some other women to tell me some of their horror stories. We’ve all been there…

Serena, 26yrs old:

My ex-boyfriend and were fucking in the shower, which was sexy as hell until I lost my footing and slipped (almost breaking his penis at the same time). I was knocked cold out, and he had to throw me (still wet, in both senses) into the car and take me to the hospital. In the heat of the moment, he forgot to dress me. For a simple concussion, the emergency staff and other patients got quite a nice eyeful…

Dominique, 34yrs old:

Oh, the tales of anal. Countless times I’ve tried to forewarn an eager lover that it might not be the correct time for butt. And countless times whilst he’s in mid-thrust (after brushing off my disclaimer) I’ve thought, “what’s that horrible smell?”. One particular time, a lover and I were having (straight) sex, when I felt him poking around at my asshole. He inserted one finger, then two… and then I felt him attempting to put his entire fist into my asshole. I went along with it for a minute, but the nerves made me lose my concentration and I farted his fingers out, as well as a small rabbit-poop. He lost his boner pretty quickly, and I was very over it. Just a fail in general. I’ve had so many poopy after-showers and sheet-changing, I just shrug it off now. But the butt – it’s definitely not for the faint of heart.

Carmen, 22yrs old:

When I was 16, I was madly in love with this guy at work, Christopher. After months of trying to seduce him, we finally went home together. His friends crashed in his room too, and so I was nervous to touch him or do anything in case they saw us. I slept pushed up against the wall and didn’t move all night. His room was boiling hot, and during the night I must’ve taken all my clothes off. Cut to the morning, and after a heavy 10 hour sleep spent squashed into the crack between the bed and the wall, a phone call woke me in a shocking manner and I lept up to answer it. Unbeknownst, my legs had fallen asleep and so failed underneath me, causing me to come crashing down on top of Chris’s face. I literally smothered him with my vagina and I couldn’t get up. He literally was rudely awoken to me sitting on his face. Hard. We dated for 2 years after that.

Stella, 25yrs old:

After moving away from my at the time boyfriend, we broke up because long distance just wasn’t working. We decided to stop talking to each other because it was just too painful. Six months later he told me he was visiting, and after much hesitation I agreed to hang out with him. Obviously the chemistry was still there, and by the end of the night we basically couldn’t help but rip each other’s clothes off. We were going at it hard, and he slipped out for a second which was painful but we were too excited to stop. Suddenly things got really wet and I looked down and there was blood *everywhere*. At first we thought it was me, but we realized it was actually coming from him. Let’s just say he used to be uncut and my vagina decided to play “Rabbi” when he slipped.

It looked like we murdered someone in that room. We both sort of went into shock! We went into the shower and I had to keep digging blood out of my pussy which was totally scary. We basically wrapped his cock in gauze and covered it with a condom until the bleeding stopped. As his friend said when he heard the story: “Mazel tov!” Fortunately everything went back to working condition.

Lina, 31yrs old:

When I was in my late teens and had yet to discover (the joys of) vibrators, I was a horny, experimental sexual creature. I used to use some sort of cooking utensil (made of polished wood) as a dildo. Many nights I would leave the object under my pillow, forgetting it was there until one night when I went home with Josh (also only 17yrs old at the time), and he happened upon it. He had tied me up, and was about to blindfold me when he lifted the pillow. The utensil had been recently used, and contained remnants of my pussy juice. There was no hiding what it was being used for, and I was horrified. It was a rolling pin or tenderizing device, and it was kind of big. I played it down, but in the end, Josh thought it was pretty funny and brought up my passion for cooking more than once in public…

Katherine, 27yrs old:

Ok so I had to kind of think about this because luckily I haven’t had a lot of bad sex… probably because outside of my marriage (to a man who is very well trained) I only really have sex with women and I feel like bad sex is kind of a heterosexual thing. Maybe I’m wrong.
Anyway we’ve all got a set of awkward walk-in stories, being surprised by an unannounced intruder or a Mum or whatever… I’m no exception – one incident involving me nearly being dropped out of a 3rd story window and falling to my death naked from the waist down… but I wouldn’t say it was horrific.
The worst sex I’ve honestly ever had was in the toilets of a really quiet restaurant with a person who had in the months leading up to this, developed a psychological condition where they were convinced they were seriously dying of a terminal illness… and towards the end of our meal insisted we have sex (right there and then) because he’d be dead soon… or by the time dessert arrived. (Sounds actually ridiculous and it was, there were tears.) The worst thing is that I went along with it, head resting against the flush and him sobbing behind me, thinking of his own death. The angry german waiter knocked on the door after a while to tell us the bill was there (thank you angry German waiter!) and we left. He didn’t die.

L’Agent Goodies…