How To Deflate A Boner (A Male POV)

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I’m back again, kinda procrastinating but not. Evie’s writing up a story about tales of bad sex while my phone is going off like an awkward vibrator. Fucking group chats. This one’s cool though – it’s rolling off the momentum of the first question I sent about how/if they choke their lovers.

Anyway, after the uproar over a story involving avocados + butt play settled down, another question blossomed. What deflates a boner? Since me and my #squad are all yung and horny, it doesn’t take much to get us off. I mean – if you’re a woman having a hard time making a guy hard, don’t even think of closing this tab out. Keep reading.

I discovered, at the top of the boner deflating list is hygiene. This one is almost a given, but being it’s the first thing a guy says when asked what turns him off, it’s got to be encountered pretty often. I don’t want to sound like an immature pansy but, pussies are moist orifices. If you were out partying with shorty and she had a Zumba lesson on the dance floor, it ain’t going to smell like cupcakes and rainbows. Ladies, don’t be afraid to give yourself an oil change before you get down, especially if you want this fellow to make out with your crotch.

Next is the thirst. Instagram/Twitter would have you believe that men are the only ones who suffer from thirstiness. But, the reality of it is that women too can succumb to overeagerness, and the cause and effect of these interactions yield the same results in both sexes, that being no sex. Most of my guy friends describe a woman being thirsty as too many “where are you texts,” or some un-welcomed PDA in a crowded bar or social gathering. Don’t get me wrong though, we want to feel wanted, but we don’t want to have to be dodgy and awkward. To combat the thirst, just study some Pam Grier movies and build up your sass. Sassiness is the opposite of thirstiness; you want a kiss in the club? Make a dood want to kiss you in the club. Want an answer to that “where are you text”? Follow it up with a tasteful nude. Make him want it. It’s not about the light at the end of the tunnel, but the jellybean trail leading him to it.

Those two things are widely agreed upon, but everyone is different. Some men have quirks that others might not. For instance, I hate talking during sex. If you’re saying complete sentences I’m over it. I’m over here putting in work trying to hold this nut back, thinking about what I should have for lunch next week. It’s not a good time to ask, “do you love me”…

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I know a dood that can’t cum unless he and his partner are wearing socks, another that can’t have his hair touched or played with. Whatever the case may be, there’s going to be things that make your lucky guy go from eggplant emoji to sad elephant trunk

Talkin’ bout trunks, learn how to handle one. It’s not a video game joystick. You can’t wave and thrash around a dry dick as you would a Snapple Peach Iced-tea before you drink it. Be intuitive. Ask how. The same for condoms, which, let’s face it… No one REALLY wants to use, but rather than suffering the consequences, approach this topic with good timing (if he doesn’t). I know a lot of lil homies that are “team raw dogg or naw dogg.” I get it – condoms are lame/pull out game strong, but don’t be a cheap-o with NYC condoms cutting off all the circulation to ya beef then complain about going soft and them breaking. Get some condoms that fit, b.

I digress. Nothing takes the wind out of one’s sails like a girl saying “The last guy I had sex with gave me a really nasty, kinda gross infection, so we should definitely use a condom.” Girl 0–Boner 0. It’s lose/lose.

The moral is partly the same as my previous posts in that being yourself and getting to know what you and your lover are into is important for good sexual chemistry, but if you’re trying to FIND a lover(s), and one(s) that desire you, keep it simple and organic. Be your best self, and not even just for us doods. The best way to keep a guy hard is by being a damn fox.

Do you, and we’ll want to “do you” too.

It’s All Gucci…