I’ll try to make this as easy and painless as possible: Slice a chunk off a butter stick, place it on a tablespoon, open wide, place the spoon into your big mouth, and swallow. Sounded easy enough until you probably gagged or said “Ew, Gross” when reading the word swallow, I bet. Do it once for a test run, then repeat (always) before drinking heavily. Reading the article below will help you keep it together anytime you’re on a business trip with alcoholics. Trust.
I can normally drink for days, but look like a sissy while taking shots, both before and after. My face pre-shot looks hopeful and cheery, my face post-shot looks simply disgusting. I wail and gag, and you probably would think, “Damn, if she cringes at opening her throat wide enough for a shot, she probably can’t give a good blow job.” However, that inner dialogue is in fact false, my dears.
Back to butter – this time with a Russian woman from Kansas City involved. Her name? Elina. Her relation to me? Mother of a dear friend of mine. The occasion was this dear friend’s birthday a couple of summers ago. It’s always fun when Elina is in town since I get along with her famously, grabbing my bearings at both her unique style while gaining the old school sense of honesty whenever she’s around. Her son pretty much intimidates me when he drinks, as most Russians probably would, so now one can start imagining that Elina can definitely hold her own.
The plan was to meet at dear friend’s apt before dipping out to one of our favorites, Malo, that evening. August was in full swing, and it was the LA type of hot. Getting out of the cab I remember thinking, “Damn, these fuckers drink vodka for breakfast sometimes, I wonder what happens for special occasions. I’ll just eat a lot at dinner so I don’t get too hammered.” Elina greets me at the door, and I proceed to visit the bathroom where dear friend was fixing his hair. I then hug him tight, and when I turn around, the only thing that is present is a faint smell of butter – I take a step back to focus on a glistening spoon with a big, freshly sliced butter block an inch away from my face.
“Eat it. Eat it honey, just eat the butter,” Elina almost whispered. Her Russian accent is thick and like no other I’ve experienced. She is a petite woman, but she somehow looked extra tiny standing behind this big glob of something yellow. “It coats, honey, you can drink more, you can party and you will feel like you can drink more. It sits in your stomach like a flotation device and coats your esophagus. You don’t know about this!?” She looked over my shoulder at her son and abruptly blurted, “Shame on you for not telling her about the wonders of butter. Renee, eat the butter, finally.”
I glanced at my dear friend and on the brink of laughter, I was almost convinced that this was some Russian birthday tradition of sorts. Close, but no cigar. “You can drink for days, and you catch your buzz gradually. It’s awesome,” dear friend says. I thought for a second, and without any more hesitation I grabbed a hold of the shiny spoon, pushed him out of the way, looked in the mirror and ate the butter… finally.
A confirmation set in after I swallowed – that same puke-like expression spread across my face that normally would after a shot of alcohol, but this time, it was just the glob of yellow butter coating my throat and making its way down to sit in my stomach for the entire night.
A margarita and a shot of tequila were the first items we ordered at Malo. The more friends joined the party, the more we drank. I looked over at dear friend and mentioned that butter was awesome at one point or another, as I confidently ordered another drink. Elina, now on her fifth margarita and probably two shots of tequila in, switched over to Kettle One as the party was in full swing. She had such an air of elegance about her when stating, “Guys, I don’t want to drink that much tonight, really.” A sensitive bitch would think that this woman was mocking her, but not this bitch.
I must have had six margaritas before I followed in Elina’s classy footsteps and made the switch. At one point I thought, “I don’t even feel that wasted. I mean, I know I’m drunk, but I have all my shit together.” Now, I’ll take butter any day. I learned something from a one-of-a-kind Russian woman, and I can drink like one too – finally.
Butter Experience Checklist:
1. While swallowing, hold your breath as to avoid smelling the butter.
2. Make sure it’s served at room temperature – Swallowing a chunk of something cold wouldn’t travel well down your tubes.
3. Don’t chew the butter, obviously. Get it down there quickly.
4. Eat the butter 30-40 minutes before drinking yourself to oblivion.
5. If you have a camera handy, snapshot yourself post-swallow. Your face will probably look priceless on your first butter run.