Made To Fit Clit Lit

Romance novels might be inundated with sugar-coated clichés, but what if you could play out your secret desires and most torrid fantasies on the pages of your own customized steamy bodice-ripper? Sound too good to be true? Think again. Thanks to customization-happy publishing house U Star Novels anyone can have their love life immortalized in print. It’s like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, but for the sexual set.


The first step to literary sensualism is to choose from a variety of already set storylines set in decadent European locales—from France, England, Italy, and Spain—with cheeky titles like English Encounters, Fever in France, and Spanish Sizzle; or opt for the trendy bloodsucking variation with their fang-friendly Blood Lust novel. Next, select details to, er, flesh out your story—anything from mundane tidbits like your lover’s name and physical demographics, to more spicy 411 like naughty nicknames and favorite lingerie. Then send these sexy deets along with your order and voilà, the clit lit masterpiece is on its way, ready to make your life just that much more romantical.

In about a week, your sauced-out novel is in your mailbox, ready to be revealed. Complete with a personalized note (I dedicated it myself, of course) and a suggestive cover to boot, my own made-to-order soft-core novella was ready to be devoured. According to the “Lovin-O-Meter” on the U Star website, my pick English Encounters was certifiable smut, and includes some pretty explicit between the sheets moments. If you’re looking to set your V-Day off with an explosive spark, make sure to check on this all-important fuck-factor before ordering. Like any good sex writer should, I immediately put on my favorite French hooker lingerie ensemble to set the tone. Decked out in high-end brothel wear I read my scandalous book cover to cover. There was sex. Lots of it. And, while this may seem like a narcissist’s dream come true, it’s quite a kick to put yourself and your boo right in the action. Think of it as a little foreplay for the mind.


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